so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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