I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
