Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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