What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
