Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
