Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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