I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
