false alarm. still invincible.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
