I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
