found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i out mim tonsoeep
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