remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
