I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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