Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(561): View more from Florida

I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter

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(678): View more from Georgia

Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.

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(813): View more from Florida

The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.

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