he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
