he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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