Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize