My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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