Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
