I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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