We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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