then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
