I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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