i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
