I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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