it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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