i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize