If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
