I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
