I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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