forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
