How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
