totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
