Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
