I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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