I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
