Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize