so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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