i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize