After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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