There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
