my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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