This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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