if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
