Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
