Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
