Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
