I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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