The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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