I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
