Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize