Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
