First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
