the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
