Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
