Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
