alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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