do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
