I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
