you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
