Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
