I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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