fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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