One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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