someone threw a dead crab at me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
