apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
